工作上應該設定的情感界線
The Emotional Boundaries You Need at Work
不論在公司或是家裡，想打造成熟良好的人際關係，就需要有兩種情感的「過濾器」。第一種是保護你自己不受他人傷害，而第二種則是保護他人不受你傷害。
第一種過濾器：保護你自己不受他人傷害。我曾經和一位經理共事，他老是把傷人的話講得好像是真理：「你一點都不懂感恩！」、「你就是個很爛的作家！」，還有「嗯，這蠢斃了！」一開始的時候，我仔細傾聽，覺得他講的都對。表面上，我變得防衛心比較重；但在內心裡，我每天回家都覺得大受打擊。每天晚上，我太太安娜都會聽我說我跟他的往來細節，幫我整理哪些是對的、哪些是錯的。有一天她只是對我說：「你也該判斷一下，有時候是講話的人的問題啊。」我犯的錯不是不傾聽，反而是聽得太多。換句話說，我得學會過濾一下，只聽值得聽的。
第二種過濾器：保護他人不受你傷害。另一個例子是，我有一次和另一位主管共事，我覺得可以對她完全坦誠以告。結果有一天她告訴我：「你的意見我都覺得很寶貴，但有時候感覺就像你直接在我肚子上揍了一拳。」顯然，我並沒有好好保護這位同事不受到我的傷害，在我發表意見的時候，應該加強過濾我要傳達的內容和傳達的方式。
想要知道如何恰當使用這兩種過濾器，避免濫用，其實並不容易。使用的過與不及，都會造成各種人際關係的衝突。這些情況，呈現在下面的矩陣裡（這個矩陣參考了泰倫斯．瑞爾［Terrence Real］的「人際關係方格」［The Relationship Grid］）。
讓我們看看如何應用這張圖表：
如果兩個過濾器的值都很低，你屬於暴怒型（volatile）。這種類型最為糟糕：你既不能保護自己不受他人傷害，也無法保護別人不受你傷害。這種人就像是受傷的野獸，對於別人說的話太敏感，會說出非常防衛性的話。你也許覺得自己是個受害者，但表現的行為卻像是加害者。
如果你發現自己有這種感覺，記得先問自己：「我真的看清楚狀況了嗎？」「我是不是覺得自己反應過度？」「對方看起來是不是反應過度？」聽到別人的話別全盤接受，先假設可能不是完全正確。看清楚究竟有哪些是你真正同意的，其他的話就別太在意。先不要急著說話，想得更清楚些，然後才說出來。把你想告訴對方的話寫下來（而且是用紙筆，免得一時衝動就寄了封言詞辛辣的電子郵件出去），過一會再回來重看一次。
如果兩個過濾器的值一高一低，你就可能是太過傲慢、或是太過脆弱。如果你是傲慢型（overbearing），情況會有點微妙，雖然你自信滿滿，卻可能不知不覺傷到別人。雖然你真心相信自己說的都是事實，但可能說得太直接了。問題在於，你並沒有真正傾聽他人的意見，所以無法根據對方的想法做出適當調整。你和他人的溝通其實只像是一條單行道。
察覺到這種狀況之後，請告訴對方：「或許我說得太多了，你是不是有不同想法？」或是「你知道，我以前也犯過錯，你的想法是什麼？」記得要盡力克制自己，比你願意克制的程度再多一點。
如果你屬於脆弱型（vulnerable），雖然你不會傷到別人，但你無法保護自己不受別人傷害。你全盤接受別人的批評，也不知道如何反駁。
要記得，你有權得到和善的對待。如果你發現自己顯得脆弱，就想想作家瑪亞．安潔洛（Maya Angelou）博士的話：「每個人心裡都有個不能侵犯的避風港。讓這裡保持神聖純淨，沒有人有權罵你、欺負你。沒有人！不管是父母或配偶，都沒有這種權利。在心裡就是要有這樣的地方，你能說：『夠了，滾吧。你不知道我也是神的兒女嗎？』」
而如果你兩個過濾器的值都太高，你則是孤僻型（walled off）的人。這種人基本上比較退縮，不論是自己講的話、或是別人講的話，都有過度防護的傾向。雖然你不太會受傷或傷到別人，但可能會顯得有些冷淡或冷酷。
這種時候你該放開心胸，說：「我有些話想告訴你，但也請你多多包涵。」
等我們找到這兩個過濾器的理想平衡，我們就能成為完美型（invincible）的人，既能瞭解別人，也能讓別人瞭解我們。我們能接受意見，而不會對自己造成永久的傷害；能給別人意見，而不會冒犯到對方。這種情況下的我們能夠處理各種複雜的人際關係，因為我們會視情況妥善調整，同時也不會忘記自己是誰。
我們總會在不同的地方、面對不同的人。挑戰在於，要判斷我們在每一段關係裡所處的位置，然後調整自己達到「完美型」的位置，好讓關係能夠好好發展。（林俊宏譯）
The Emotional Boundaries You Need at Work
by Greg McKeown
To develop meaningful and mature relationships at work or at home we need to develop two filters. The first filter protects you from other people. The second filter protects other people from you.
Filter 1: protect yourself from others. I once worked with a manager who gave blunt feedback in perpetuity: “You’re not a grateful person!” and “You’re just not a great writer!” and “Well, that was dumb!” My response, at first, was to listen as if everything she said was true. On the outside, I became defensive — but on the inside, I returned home emotionally beaten up. Every night my wife, Anna, would listen to the details of the encounters and help me to discern truth from error. One day she just said, “You’ve got to learn to consider the source!” My error was not that I didn’t listen, but that I listened too much. In other words, I needed to learn to filter the feedback.
Filter 2: Protect other people from you. On the other hand, I once worked with a leader with whom I felt I could be completely open. One day she said to me, “I value what you have to say, but sometimes it feels like I’ve been punched in the solar plexus when we talk.” Clearly, I was not doing a good enough job at protecting this colleague from me. I needed to increase the filter of what I shared and how I shared it. (For further reading see Pia Mellody’s work on boundaries).
Learning to apply enough of both filters — but not too much — is tough. Too much or too little can create relationship conflict as depicted in the matrix below (with a hat tip to “The Relationship Grid” by Terrence Real)
Here’s how it works:
If both filters are low, you’re volatile.This is the worst position to be in: you don’t protect yourself from other people or protect other people from you. If you’re in this place you will act like a wounded animal. You will feel hypersensitive to what someone is saying to you but you will speak defensively. You may feel like a victim but will act like a bully.
When you find yourself feeling this way, ask, “Am I seeing the situation clearly?” and “Do I feel like I am overreacting here?” and “Does it seem like the other person is overreacting here?” Apply a tax to what the other person is saying; assume he isn’t 100% accurate. Look for one thing you agree with and discard the rest. Hold back your own words until you feel clearer. Write down what you feel like saying to him (and do it on paper so you can’t send an outraged email accidentally), then review it later.
If you have one high filter and one low filter, you’re either overbearing or vulnerable. If you’re overbearing, it’s is a tricky position to be in; you feel confident but may be unknowingly causing offense. You’re saying what you believe, but may seem too outspoken. The problem is that you may not be adjusting well to other people because you’re not really hearing them. You’re communicating like it’s a one-way street.
When you sense this situation, say, “Perhaps I am being a bit bombastic about this. Do you see this differently?” or “You know, I have been wrong before. What are your thoughts?” Hold back more than you feel like doing.
When you are vulnerable, you protect other people from you, but you don’t protect yourself from other people. You take feedback personally but also struggle to push back on others.
Remember you have the right to be treated kindly. When you find yourself in this situation, think of the words of Dr. Maya Angelou: “There’s a place in you that you must keep inviolate. You must keep it pristine. Clean. So that nobody has a right to curse you or treat you badly. Nobody. No mother, father, no wife, no husband, no — nobody. You have to have a place where you say: ‘Stop it. Back up. Don’t you know I’m a child of God?’”
And when both of your filters are too high, you’re walled off. In this position, you are basically withdrawn. You’re being overprotective of what you say and what you absorb. You’re not going to give or take offence, but you can seem aloof and a bit cold.
Try opening up a bit. Say, “I want to share something with you, but I want you to be gentle with me on this.”
When we find the right balance with these two filters, we find the sweet spot, and become invincible. Here, we have the ability to know and be known. We can listen without risk of permanent damage and speak without risk of offending. We can navigate complex relationships because we can adapt without losing sight of who we are.
The truth is that we can be in different places with different people. The challenge is to figure out where we are in any particular relationship and then to adjust towards the sweet spot, where relationships thrive.
